All people who carry extra weight are afraid. They are afraid when they can’t eat what they want and are afraid for their health when eating what they want. When we talk food, it is a double sward. It can be good for us or bad for us.
Some say fear is the source of all the troubles in life and when we want to achieve any health goal, we need to face our fears.
The most famous fear is the fear of failure, which develops as we become socially aware. We learn through our socialization process what the standards are, and much of our life is dedicated to meeting those standards. The fear of failure is the fear that we will not “make the grade” and will not be accepted socially.
I’m sure you have heard a lot about the fear of failure but I think one big reason we find it hard to lose weight is in fact, the fear of success.
Many people confuse the two. Just like twins who show many similarities on the surface but have different identities inside, the fear of failure and the fear of success are in fact different.
Fear of failure will make you try to fit into a standard (usually external), but fear of success will make you do anything to avoid reaching that standard.
While fear of failure is out there and everybody knows about it, fear of success is hidden so deep in our identity we may not recognize it, but it can be much worse for us. When trying to achieve losing weight or any health goals, this can be a huge obstacle.
Fear of failure is associated with making mistakes and not getting approval, while fear of success is the fear of doing things right and therefore not being accepted, not being appreciated and not being able to maintain the level of achievement and success.
While fear of failure results in avoidance, fear of success results in self-sabotage. People with a fear of failure try to avoid the pain of failure. They do not do anything that might lead them to failure. This behaviour looks like lack of motivation. People with fear of success are also perceived as lacking motivation and if they do achieve success, they quickly mess it up. This way, their unsuccessful identity can be maintained. They tell stories of “almost success”, of self-destructive behaviour immediately after major success, like “Just when he had enough money, he blew it” or “Just when they bought a new house, he lost his job” or in our case, “just as I reached my ideal goal, I messed it all up on a tap of ice cream”
In 1915, Sigmund Freud wrote an article called “Those Wrecked by Success”. He described a tendency to fail “precisely when a deeply rooted and long-cherished wish has come to fulfillment … as though they were not able to tolerate happiness”.
Sounds funny?
Well, it is not! It is a lot more common than you think.
Freud described the fear of success as a perceived need to fail, not an option or a desire but a need.
Some people develop the identity of a failure and in order to maintain it, they consciously or subconsciously sabotage everything that could prevent them from fulfilling this self-image. If you have gained something from over eating and being overweight, even if it was subconscious, your subconscious will not let it go so easily.
Another theory related to fear of success is the Imposter Syndrome. This is when people develop a belief that their success is not real and they live in fear others will discover they are not “really” good at what they do and they are only pretending to be successful. These people distinguish between “fake success” and “real success”. I have heard many people who successfully lost 10, 15 or 50 kg and still think that is not real success and they hold on to the belief that it was temporary or luck. It is good to distinguish the success of losing weight to the success of maintaining it. Each of them needs to be conquered separately and it is highly advisable to let go of the maintaining fears until you cross that bridge.
Thinking obsessively about how I will maintain it, is in fact a self-sabotaging act that is a result of the fear of success. If you talk to people, they will tell you the maintaining is harder therefore it is not worth getting there.
Fear of success affects life in many ways and the component of self-sabotage makes life a daunting experience. When thinking diet and health goals, it is very hard to blame others, so the fearers come up with many excuses to explain their unsuccessful circumstances.
Self-awareness is always the key to overcoming the fear of success. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), we are the only people who can access our deepest beliefs and uproot them. Although this process may take time, it is very important in order to have a successful, loving, healthy, wealthy, friendly, funny, interesting, fascinating, fulfilling and happy life. When thinking about losing weight or achieving health goals, this process is crucial.
Fear of failure is natural, but fear of success is not!
The source of the fear of success is beliefs we have regarding ourselves and others that produce a self-sabotaging reaction. Finding the beliefs or behaviours associated with the fears is a good start to overcoming them.
Below are statements and behaviours of people with fear of success. ( some are related to health and weight loss and some are not) Read them and mark the ones you think you have. Rate each of your beliefs between 1 and 10 – 1 being weak and 10 being very strong. The stronger the belief is, the stronger the identity of failure and the more you will sabotage your own success. If you decide to change anything, monitor your progress every month using the list and see if your beliefs have weakened.
1. “Talking about my success is showing off” – The underlying belief is that success brings “Too much attention”, which then creates jealousy in others. People who hold this belief do not distinguish between being proud and boasting. If it is related to weight or health, those people will wear clothes to hide their figure, eat or won’t say anything about their diet to avoid getting attention.
2. “I feel guilty when I succeed” – This statement is based on a distorted definition of fairness that links my gain to others’ loss. This is especially true when someone around you is actually jealous of you or not supportive of your weight loss or health gain. ( I know couples who separated because of one person’s success so this is a common belief)
3. “When I succeed, others will have high expectations of me”. Fearing the maintenance of this success.
4. Minimize successes (“It was no big deal”)
5. Treat success as a fluke or luck (“I was just lucky”), as if success has nothing to do with doing something. There is no luck in being healthy! Remember that!
6. “Success is hard work” – this is the ultimate way to resent success. Who on earth wants to succeed if it is such hard work?. I have very close people who are in a very bad health condition that consider keeping themselves healthy as “hard work”. I think being overweight for example or being unhealthy is harder!
7. “Getting to the top is easy but staying there is hard” or “Falling from higher up hurt more” – makes the top undesirable. Again, the focus is fear of maintenance. Let it go! You’ll cross the bridge when you get there.
8. Find it hard to accept compliments – This is very much connected to minimizing success. If you have achieved a bit of relief, lost one kg, celebrate! When someone says you look good, be proud! Say “Thank you”! Smile! You did great!
9. “The bar is too high for me” – whenever discussing success, describing it as an unreachable target. Thinking like that is self-sabotaging. I have been a witness to people treating life threatening diseases, so no thing is too high for you!
10. Pessimism – Telling stories and excuses why it better not to succeed and why success never lasts and picking up stories of successful people’s failures and faults everywhere. If you think you can do it or if you think you can’t, you are right!
11. “Life is not about what you want” – This is a belief that sees wanting as illegitimate. Being healthy is your right! Wanting to be healthy is the most important want. Your body is the vehicle that you’ll use to navigate this life, take care of it. Life is all about what you want!
12. High dependency on others, supporting the conviction “I am unable to succeed on my own”. This happens when we blame others for our inability to reach success. It keeps us in connection with others and prevents us from taking responsibility and taking control of our health and or weight.
13. The “Imposter Syndrome” – Fear of cheating, dishonesty, “What if they find out I can’t really do that?”, “What if they find out I’m not that smart?” “What if they find out that I couldn’t do it?”
14. “My private life will suffer” – Again, too much attention will create a problem. Fear of exposure (connected to the imposter’s syndrome). Yes, the ability to do what we are doing now, will suffer. We’ll have to change something, and change is not easy, but it is necessary if we want to be healthy.
15. “It could be worse” – Comparing to others having less or to us experiencing more pain, is what people who fear success do to make the lack of success not seem so bad. If we didn’t have that mode when we gained 1 kg extra, we would have done something straight away.
16. Setting unrealistic goals to prove to themselves they cannot achieve. Dedication to quick fixes. When it does not happen quickly, this is proof it will never happen. This strategy is very common in health and weight loss. Putting a goal to lose 30 kg. Why? Make a goal to lose 5. That’s it. When this is achieved, make another goal to lose 5 kg. It is like climbing a mountain, we must stop from time to time, rest, enjoy the view (our success) before we climb higher)
17. Adopt the “overnight success” theory to support the belief that success is all about luck and give self-permission to miss opportunities.
18. Constant search for certainty as a subconscious reason not to move forward. “How can I guarantee my luck will stay with me?”, “I don’t have proof that I will maintain this weight” “I could be run over by a truck until then”. Fear that good will not continue.
19. “Success will limit me” – Success will put more demands on your time, your choices. You fear people will perceive you in one way and you will not be able to be or do anything else. “Wealthy people can’t sleep at night, because they worry all the time”, “If I become famous for my cooking, I must cook a restaurant-level meal every time I have guests. “When I lose weight, I will never be able to eat Pizza” It is too demanding. Notice no one demands this but you!
20. Debating a decision and procrastinating for a long time with the unconscious belief that circumstances will make the choice for you, while you go on missing opportunities. “I saved up money, but by the time I got to the shop, they had sold what I wanted “. “ I was researching the best diet, but I can’t find one that sticks out”.
21. Patterns of accidents and being unlucky – Everyone has accidents. The real worry starts when you recognize you have too many accidents or that you wonder, “Why does this always happen to me?”
22. “I need to keep doing well. One mistake and they will find someone better than me” – this is the fear of not being able to maintain success. This is a very common self-sabotaging belief with weight loss, If I ate hamburger one day, it is all ruined. What is the point?
23. “I’m not good enough – I don’t deserve to feel good, be appreciated, have more and succeed, be healthy, be slim and toned – This reflects low self-esteem (self-worth) at the identity level and is also a part of the imposter syndrome.
24. Perfectionism (all or nothing mentality) – “If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth even starting”. Planning forever, trying to plan for every little detail and not executing. When dealing with weight loss or health, this self-sabotaging mechanism can do much harm.
25. “Others are so much better than me” – There will always be people better than you, but you can still succeed. This is a comparative version of perfectionism that says, “If I can’t be the best, it’s not worth even starting”. Other people’s health and wellbeing is theirs. Use them as inspiration not as an excuse not to take responsibility over your life.
26. “It’s easy for others” – “It’s so easy for them to learn this, while I need to sit for hours to study”. “It is easy for them to diet but I have kids in the house” “ it is easy for them to maintain their health because they have money” – No, it is not easy for anyone!
27. Fear of emptiness when goals are reached. “If I reach what I want, there will be nothing left to aim for”, “Reaching my goals easily will kill my motivation”. This is the belief that success = the end. In reality, many people who try to lose weight consider it as part of their identity. Without it, they are not themselves.
28. “It will not make me happy” – People with the fear of success have an unrealistic and hard to find definition of The ultimate happiness. They are convinced they will never get there. This ultimate definition does not exist and the search for it is sometimes an excuse to not achieving any success.
29. Having the “too late” mentality – “I’m not young anymore”, “I didn’t do it when I could and now it’s impossible”. It is never too late to be happy and healthy! Remember that.
30. “Is it worth it?” – This is a problem with the definition of “worth”. It puts distance between the effort and the reward. Only when we sort out this question, we can become healthy. It is always, always worth it to be healthy.
31. “I’ve never succeeded, I don’t stand a chance – This is a very deeply-rooted self-image problem of finding it hard to get out of the comfort zone, even if the comfort zone means being unhealthy. Being comfortable with extra weight or with any health issue enlarges the comfort zone, which is our prison.
If you are afraid of failing this health quest, you are normal. If you are afraid of succeeding at it, you have a problem. It means you associate more pain with success than with weight or health concern and your subconscious will do anything to avoid it.
The emotional work required to address the fear of success in losing weight is a holistic approach to succeeding in everything in life.
Start that work. You can do it, because… you worth it!
Congratulations on starting your journey towards healthy weight.
Make your day a great day!
Ronit
https://www.behappyinlife.com
